I want to serve God, I want to give Him all that I have. But sometimes I feel so unworthy and incapable of serving Him. My past serving as a reminder of how badly I’ve messed up, and my present being difficult because of temptations and struggles that are all new to me. I’ve spent a lot of my life not standing up for God, but trying to ride the fence. Trying to be cool and accepted by people around me and trying to remain a “good Christian.” It’s not possible. Either you lose your conscience and stop listening to the Holy Spirit, or you feel the guilt of your decisions you are making. I just kept my mouth shut or not given someone a direct answer about my beliefs. After all, many Christian stances are frowned upon in this world. I would do things that I knew were wrong just so I could fit in with those that were around me. I wouldn’t do or say anything that might cost me my friends.
Lately I’ve been trying to change. And it’s difficult. As soon as you make a decision to follow God no matter the cost you will be tested. It seems like I’ve been tested incessantly since returning from church camp. I can honestly say that I have given in to old temptations already, but I’ve also said no to others. Living a new life will take a lot of relearning to stop what’s ingrained into me. But, by God’s grace, I will be able to change who I was.
I have many God-given dreams for my life and I can’t wait to live them out. But to live out God-given dreams I must be following after Him. Playing the motions of His will is not following His grand plan for my life. It will not bring forth the fruit that living for Him will. It will be a lackluster life that I will find myself resenting.
Here are a few verses I have been given to strengthen me:
Philippians 4:13 — I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Proverbs 4:5-6 — Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.